I’m tired.

I’m tired of being unemployed.

I’m tired of shooting off application after application and writing cover letter after cover letter and not getting so much as an email back.

I’m tired of feeling like a guillotine blade is inching down on my head every day that I don’t have a job.

I’m tired of avoiding LinkedIn, of not wanting to see my classmates’ new jobs and internships, of not wanting to read any more pandering fairy tales made up by CEOs who want to seem relatable to minimum wage workers.

I’m tired of feeling like a failure.

I’m tired of feeling like my professors put all the effort in that they did for me to have a fart of a launch into the real world.

I’m tired of the real world.

I’m tired of companies manufacturing a worker shortage via dragging their feet with applications and whining, “No one wants to wooooork anymore!”

I’m tired of landlords and rental companies hogging housing.

I’m tired of an American life that consists of bouncing from one ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ crisis to the next: 9/11, the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, the 2008 financial crash, the Trump presidency, the COVID-19 pandemic, January 6th, and so many mass shootings and police shootings of unarmed black people that I could make trading cards out of them.

I’m tired of a Christian life that consists of trying to steer a spiritual boat around the icebergs of Christian nationalism, homophobia and spiritual abuse.

I’m tired of transparently corrupt politicians–dogs being wagged by lobbyists and corporations, mouthpieces for white supremacy and militia groups, chickenhawks who send other people’s children off to war from the comfort of their cushy office, wealthy nepo babies who cut off free lunches and Social Security because they think it will turn the less fortunate into “welfare queens”–not facing consequences.

I’m tired of living in a world where the most successful people are those who cheat, steal, backstab, exploit and destroy.

I’m tired of corporations that dump oil in the oceans and raze the Amazon gaslighting the populace, telling us to use metal straws and take shorter showers to clean up their mess.

I’m tired of feeling like my life is a time loop, doing the same things day after day.

I’m tired of feeling like nothing will change.

More than anything, I’m tired of being tired.

If you’ve reached the end of this and feel concerned for me, don’t. If you’re like me, you’ve come across something from high school, something you wrote at the height of emotions: a poem about a breakup, a journal entry where you thought high school would never end, music you listened to when your depression seemed inescapable. And while you cringed at it a little, it also made you feel a little better, because those problems that seemed as big as mountains are no more, an afterthought far, far back in the rearview.

I’m hoping this post will be one of those time capsules, something I can come back to 1 or 5 or 10 years and see how far I’ve come.

I’m tired now.

I hope I’ll feel rested in the future.

One of my favorite movies is one I can’t mention in good company.

Swingers, made in 1996 and starring Jon Favreau, Vince Vaughn and Ron Livingston, is not about married couples who sleep with other married couples.

The title comes from swing dancing, which had a revival in popularity in the mid-1990s, and factors into the plot of the movie. The movie is about Mike, played by Jon Favreau, a struggling actor in LA whose girlfriend broke up with him six months prior. The abrupt ending of his relationship has made him feel worse about his life, hosting open mic nights no one comes to and watching his best friend Trent, played by Vince Vaughn, pick up women like that. The film focuses around Mike slowly regaining his confidence, helped along by his friends.

Which is part of the reason I like it so much. In a world where Tweets like this exist

it’s refreshing to watch a film where male friendship is at the center of it, and it’s never dismissed as a “bromance” or include jokes about the characters possibly being in the closet. But I also like it because it makes me think.

One thing in your face from the start is how jealous Mike is of Trent. And there’s lots to be jealous of. Mike’s understandably depressed about his ex-girlfriend breaking it off with him, and Trent’s unfailing cheerfulness is grating when Mike is dealing with such a loss. Trent’s so comfortable with himself that when Mike inadvertently sabotages a one-night stand, Trent shakes it off and moves on, showing confidence that Mike desperately wants to have. Also, Trent draws women like a magnet, which to the freshly single Mike feels like repeated steel-toed boots to the crotch.

And then in the climax, Rob, played by Ron Livingston, flips Mike’s perspective for the better by pointing out how much he has.

No, Mike isn’t an A-lister swimming in women, but he has an agent and is part of actors’ unions, while Rob recently got rejected from a job as a theme park mascot. It’s this paradigm shift and reminder of what successes he does have under this belt that allows Mike to end his grieving stage and put himself back on the dating scene.

Haven’t we all been Mike at some point?

No one is immune to groveling, to thinking literally everyone has it better than you. I know I’ve definitely been envious, and my inner Mike is especially apparent because too often, that envy has revolved around relationship status.

But, much like Rob dropping in to completely flip Mike’s self-image on its head, something changed my perspective: reading.

All through 2021, every time I read a book, I’d post a short review on my Instagram story. It was a super fun experiment. Friends would ask me what I was reading or if I’d read a certain book, make recommendations or ask me for one, or (in one case) introduce me by saying, “He’s read every book ever written!”

I’ve known for a long time I’m a fast reader. I was tested back in middle school and learned I read about 600 words a minute. Seeing how that test was almost 10 years ago, I might have sped up or slowed down. But until I started getting positive feedback, I’d never considered my reading skills enviable.

And yet, it was and is.

So, that’s my message for today: you are enviable.

There is always going to be someone more successful than you, and you’ll only make yourself miserable to get what they have. But your life will get better when you realize the people you envy envy you right back. You are enviable. Say it out loud: I am enviable. And stop telling yourself there’s nothing interesting about you. Humans are myopic. We focus on negatives. A talent that’s obvious to everyone around you might never cross your mind.

You are enviable.