I have a tradition.

At the start of every month, I change my home and lock screens on my phone and tablet. I’m indecisive. Sue me.

At the start of this month, I changed up my wallpapers as usual. And my home screen picture was a trip down memory lane: a photo from my friends Matt and Kali’s wedding.

Seeing that photo every time I use my phone is one way to get regular hits of serotonin. But seeing the three of our smiling mugs also made me think of two questions: 1. Why didn’t I mind the heaven and earth that had to be moved for this picture to be taken? 2. What’s the deeper meaning behind the answer to question 1?

You see, because I’m behind the curve and don’t have my license, getting to Wisconsin for the wedding wasn’t as simple as hopping in my car on Friday morning and then hanging around in Madison until Matt and Kali said their “I dos.” I had to:

1. Buy a train ticket.
2. Talk amongst my roommates and see who was willing to get up at 4:30 in the morning on a Friday to drive me down to the train station.
3. Ride a train to Chicago.
4. Run from the Chicago train station to the Chicago bus station.
5. Ride this bus to Madison, Wisconsin.
6. Catch an Uber from the bus stop to the hotel.
7. Panic text Kali when I realized I’d been so focused on getting to Wisconsin that I hadn’t made an exit plan.
8. And to fund all of this, I had to work a fast food job that at one point made me scream into a pillow for the first time.

And yet, despite the early rising, the seat rash, wanting to light my tie on fire out of sheer frustration, and possibly being racially profiled in a wine store (don’t ask), all the negatives feel like afterthoughts compared to being in the crowd when Kali and Matt were announced as husband and wife, dancing with friends at the reception, and even the drive back to Michigan with two of the bridesmaids. Why?

Answer: because I love Kali and Matt.

They’re my friends. Our friendship spans three countries (the three of us met at our American university, Matt and I studied abroad together in Spain, and Kali visited during advising break, and I kept up with Kali while she was abroad in Peru). The three of us have seen each other at low points, and been there for one another in dark times. We’ve also celebrated each other’s high points.

In the shadow of the mountain of the love between Matt, Kali and I, transportation shenanigans and crabby customers are minor inconveniences.

So, let’s talk about love.

Geez, I feel like a cheeseball even typing that sentence.

What is love? (Besides a cheesy hit single from the ’90s?) Two different sources have definitive answers, and I want to talk about both of them.

The first and more recent is CS Lewis. In his book The Four Loves, Lewis analyzes four types of categories, given names and definitions by the Greeks. They are:

• Storge, the love of affection and family. This is the love of familiarity, the type of love made through regular close contact. Studies have shown that neglected babies have problems in brain development, showing that storge is necessary for survival
• Philia, the love of friendship. Lewis called this the love dismissed, and said that “few value it because few experience it.” He also noted that philia can never be one-sided. Proof of that: pick a random celebrity and type their name into Instagram’s search engine. See all those fan pages that come up? Now see how many of those pages the celebrity follows. And if you’re one of the people who dismisses philia, consider how many of the most acclaimed movies and shows revolve around friendship–every sitcom ever (including the one literally named Friends), Sex and the City, Band of Brothers, Stand by Me, Naruto, The Shawshank Redemption, etc.
• Eros, the love of romance. When you hear of eros, your mind may jump straight to something sexual; rein that instinct in. Culture has made that association too (eros is the root word for erotic, after all) but Lewis distinguished between eros, romance, and Venus, sexuality. Eros is about intimacy: if you’ve ever seen an old couple holding hands, that may be the embodiment of eros. Unlike philia, eros can be one-sided
• Agape, the love of charity. Lewis considered this the ultimate form of love, the kind of love that storge, philia and eros built up to. This is the love of self-sacrifice, of dog-tired parents getting up to comfort a crying baby, of a boy/girlfriend joining in on a hobby they don’t like because their partner does, of staying by a relative’s side as a terminal illness ravages their body. The ultimate example of agape is none other than Jesus Christ, suffering and dying for the redemption of humankind.

The second answer comes from the Bible, in 1 Corinthians 13.

If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,^[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing. ⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-7

Takeaways?

• No amount of faith or works can salvage an unloving heart. I have a rocky relationship with street evangelism for this reason. I have no doubt the majority of people you see preaching from a soapbox on a street corner have good intentions. But the nature of street evangelism–going to a place where you don’t know anyone and giving a message they may not want to hear–leaves little room for love. Evangelism based on numbers games is evangelism that doesn’t foster love.
• It is possible to sacrifice unlovingly. Let me preface this by saying any references to the Oscars are getting deleted. Now, in one of his stand-up bits, Chris Rock mocked black people who expect praise for things they’re supposed to do, like not committing crime and providing for their kids. All jokes aside, tons of children have had their parents leverage their well-being against them, as if they had a choice coming into the world a complete dependent. To paraphrase a certain blue-skinned space archer: your parents may be your parents, but they’re not always your mommy and daddy.
• There is Biblical justification for giving Internet couples side-eye. “Love is patient, love is kind.” So, not those stupid couples that “play” pranks on one another or call each other horrible names for Internet likes. “…it does not boast, is not proud.” The next time you see a Kardashian bragging on what their Sugar Daddy of the Week bought them, remember that.
• Love means taking the high road. A LOT. The Bible came up with the idea of “arguing right” a few thousand years before psychologists did: no personal attacks (“…does not dishonor others…”), “I feel” statements, not “you always” statements (“…it is not self-seeking…), keeping a cool head (“…it is not easily angered…”) and no keeping receipts on past grievances (“…it keeps no record of wrongs.”) When people hear “self-sacrifice,” they think lofty things like donating kidneys or Christ’s sacrifice. And while those things are self-sacrifice, it’s also not doing what comes naturally to human beings. No one has to be taught to hold grudges, or that jabs at people’s insecurities cut the deepest. That’s dying to yourself.

And reader, I’ve arrived at an impasse. Because, to no one’s shock except my own, love is a very large topic. Seeing how I got this post’s name from Rob Bell’s book, it’s fitting that I push and push towards a point only to drop it and move on. And because I don’t have enough bulleted lists, here’s another one for conclusions:

• Bad things happen when you get the Four Loves confused. Ever heard someone say that men and women can’t be friends? Or heard somebody complain about being in the friendzone? It’s a love disconnect: where one party is experiencing philia, the other is experiencing eros. Incest happens when eros love and storge love are conflated. Need I continue?
• No man is an island. Here in America, there’s a strong spirit of individualism built into the foundation of this country. And while everyone must be their own person in the sense of not being codependent, nothing is capable of being done alone, not even existence. I’ve heard people try to dismiss love as “brain chemicals,” but I repeat: love is dying to yourself, doing things that flies in the face of every animal instinct. Love makes soldiers throw self-preservation to the wind and run into gunfire to pull their wounded fellow man to safety. And as much as we idolize “self-made” people, there are few people who love no one. And those people are terrifying.
• Love alone is worth the fight. This point is here purely to plug a dope song.

I can’t think of a concluding sentence that doesn’t feel Kumbayah-y, so I’ll conclude how I started:

Do your part to make a world where love wins, dear reader.